Rekha Kurup: Befriending Your Inner Critic
“You’re not good enough.”
“What if you fail?”
“Don’t raise your hand, that’s a stupid question.”
“ What will others think?”
We’ve all heard our inner critic speak – that voice inside our heads which seems to always make us question ourselves and doubt our abilities. Our inner critic is our rational, logical mind – essentially a part of our intellect – looking out for us. It is constantly dialoguing with us. It guides us to discern. But very often it also speaks to us rudely. It is unkind in its tone and vocabulary. It restrains us from exploring our spontaneous, authentic, adventurous, vulnerable selves. Often, it hurts us in the process of saving us from hurt.
As women, our inner critic is far more active and intrusive that a man’s. A Hewlett Packard internal report apparently states that men apply for a job when they meet 60% of the qualifications but women apply only if they meet 100% of them. What do you think stops us? Amidst the countless external constraints – limiting societal stereotypes, patriarchy, lack of support at home, unfavourable company policies and more – holding us back; we can’t let our inner critic be something we constantly battle too. It’s time to stop getting in our own way.
Here are three steps to build a nurturing and non-abrasive relationship with your inner critic as shared by Rekha Kurup, founder of the She Stands Tall Project, and facilitator of open, safe, sacred spaces for women to stand with pride in their authenticity.
Recognise your inner critic: bypassing or ignoring the voices in your head is not going to make them go away; it’s only going to make them stronger. Recognise that the voices of the inner critic are separate from who you are. Recognise also, that the inner critic is your guide and not your enemy. It is an advisor and so it’ll always be there trying to protect you. It’s important to recognise all the voices that show up at different times in your role as a mother, an employee, a wife, a friend. Because the more we resist the inner critic, the more persistent it becomes.
Acknowledge the need of the inner critic: as you try to get to the bottom of why the inner critic exists – why these voices show up – you will realise that it has a purpose. It simply wants to keep you safe – maybe too safe. Keep you from getting hurt. Acknowledge these needs of the inner critic. Show it compassion. Listen to it instead of shunning it or fighting it. It wants to be listened to. It does not want to be misunderstood.
Befriend your inner critic: We can only befriend something that is separate from us. So give your inner critic a name, form, personality. This makes it easy to have a conversation with it and bring lightness to the interaction. The inner critic shows up to present you choices (the safest ones first). Listen to it like you would a dear friend’s concerns but then make your own choice. Let your heart, your intuition, guide you into action and let the intellect be just a faithful servant.
Brene Brown, in her talk Why Your Critics Aren’t the Ones Who Count, says, “The 3 seats that will always be taken when you walk into the arena of doing whatever it is that you want to do are by shame, scarcity and comparison.” Those are the three most common messages our inner critic reiterates. But you have to do what you need to, and want to, despite those gremlins in your head.
Befriending our inner critic is a life-long journey. One that is as rewarding as it is arduous. Every time we check-in with ourselves, every time we win over the critic, every time we engage in conversation with it – every time we recognise, acknowledge and befriend it, we feel more confident, vulnerable, liberated and compassionate towards ourselves. These qualities become the start point of taking the action we were so scared to take. They become the birthplace of innovation and creativity. Befriending our inner critic is truly the gateway to showing up in the world and doing our work with authenticity, confidence and joy.
It is what we deserve. And more importantly, it is what our community and the world deserves.
About the Expert
Rekha Kurup is the founder of the She Stands Tall Project, through which she facilitates open, safe, sacred spaces for women and girls to stand tall in their authentic self. She’s doing incredible work in inspiring women to build positive, empowering relationships with their bodies, their sexuality and Mother Earth through use of modalities grounded in expressive arts, rituals, ancient wisdom and women-centric spirituality.
