What chasing external validation taught me about self worth
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What chasing external validation taught me about self worth
I spent my 20s chasing money, power, and looks.
I had built the kind of life many aspire to.
I was living in New York.
Working a high-paying job in finance.
I had also stepped into spaces that brought visibility and recognition.
I had won a beauty pageant.
I was Miss India New York.
I modeled, acted, hosted, and spoke on big stages. I was surrounded by glamour – and flooded with external validation.
From the outside, it looked like I had it all together.
But internally?
There was still a quiet restlessness…A lingering question of “Do I really belong here?”
A constant, subtle pressure to maintain an image.
And that’s when I began to notice something important:
I was living my life from the outside-in.
Making decisions based on how things looked.
Measuring my worth through validation.
Shaping myself around expectations I didn’t even consciously choose.
It wasn’t until I stepped away…
Moved across the world…
And began a deeper inner exploration…That I understood what was missing.
As William James described, we all carry two selves:
• The “me” – how we are seen
• The “I” – how we see the world
And for a long time, my life was led by the “me.”
How do I come across?
Do I look successful enough?
Am I doing what’s expected of me?
But here’s the problem:
When your identity is built on the “me,”
your sense of self becomes fragile.
Because it’s dependent on something you don’t fully control.
The real shift began when I started leading from the “I.”
From the inside-out.
When the questions changed from:
How am I being perceived?
To:
How am I choosing to show up?
That shift changed everything.
I stopped performing, and started observing.
I let go of image, and chose integrity.
I moved from proving…to serving.
And for the first time, I felt something deeper than validation.
I felt peace.
Not the fleeting kind that comes from applause.
But the grounded kind that comes from alignment.
If you’re someone who resonates with this, here’s how you can begin practicing inside-out leadership in your own life:
- Build self-awareness before self-expression
Before you focus on how you show up externally, take time to understand what’s happening internally.
What are you feeling?
What’s driving your decisions?
What are you avoiding?
Awareness is where alignment begins.
- Anchor your decisions in values, not validation
Instead of asking, “Will this be approved?”
Ask, “Is this aligned with who I want to be?”
When your decisions are value-led, you stop outsourcing your confidence.
- Shift from performing to contributing
Outside-in living is about being impressive.
Inside-out living is about being impactful.
Ask yourself: What value am I creating here?
Not: How am I being perceived?
- Redefine what you admire
We’re often taught to admire success that is visible.
But real leadership is rooted in something much deeper…
Integrity.
Kindness.
Empathy.
The more you value these, the more you embody them.
Because here’s what I’ve come to believe:
Don’t be impressed by money, power, or looks.
Be impressed by integrity, kindness, and empathy.
Those are the qualities that never go out of style.
So for today, I’ll leave you with this:
What would shift in your life if you stopped leading from the outside-in…and started leading from within?
With warmth,
Bhavna