Are you Fighting with Reality?

Have you noticed how many times you go through the day wishing for things to be different?

When I reflected back on a day earlier this week, I was amazed at how often I did this.

I woke up in the morning, and I wished I’d had a better night of sleep.

I got ready for my yoga class, and I wished with all my might that my yoga instructor would not make me do those dreaded back-bends.

I sat down to facilitate my first training session for the day, and I wished more people would turn their cameras on.

After my son interrupted my session for the third time, I wished I had a son who would listen to me more.

I ended my work day, and I wished I had more time at the end of the day to fully unwind and relax.

I ended the day completely and fully emotionally spent. Nothing particularly terrible had happened on this day, except that I had unconsciously made a choice to fight with reality all day.

As Michael Singer writes, “Suffering is caused by the contrast between what you mentally decided you want and the reality unfolding in front of you. To whatever degree they don’t match, you suffer.”

The next day, I tried a different approach – a technique taught to me by one of my favorite mindfulness teachers. Whenever you find yourself at odds with reality, or focusing on only one, mostly negative, aspect of that reality, say these words:

“This is neither good nor bad; it just is.”

What causes suffering is when you judge what is happening. “This is bad.” “This should not be happening.” “I don’t want this.” The judgment creates resistance, and the resistance drains your energy.

When you chant this mantra silently in your mind – “This is neither good nor bad; it just is” – you put your mind into a neutral state of mind. That then breeds greater acceptance of that moment, and allows the resistance to melt away.

The next day…

My yoga teacher makes me do back-bends.
I chant, “This is neither good nor bad; it just is.” And, I surrender to the moment. I end my yoga session energized, with my mind, body and spirit fully nourished.

I sit down for a coaching session with a client online. My son interrupts me, once again.
I chant, “This is neither good nor bad; it just is.”
I calmly say to my son, “Sweetheart, Mumma has an important call. I promise I’ll attend to you as soon as my call is done.”

This day, my reality had not changed, but my response had.

I ended the day feeling calmer, and as the serenity prayer goes – with more energy to change what I could, and accept what I could not.

As the Hindu spiritual text, the Bhagavad Gita, beautifully says: “Reshape yourself through the power of your will… those who have conquered themselves… live in peace, alike in cold and heat, pleasure and pain, praise and blame… to such people a clod of dirt, a stone, and gold are the same… Because they are impartial, they rise to great heights.”

Want to rise to great heights? Then, be impartial to the reality around you. Remember, it is neither good, nor bad; it just is.

My exercise for you: As you go about your day, notice if you find yourself wishing for something to be different. Pause. Chant, “This is neither good nor bad; it just is.” And, then decide what you might like to do about it.

Warmly,
Bhavna Toor
Chief Mindfulness Officer
Shenomics