Vimala Seshadri: The Art of Mindful Parenting

The latest edition of the Shenomics Mentoring Circle was about the art of Mindful Parenting with Vimala Seshadri.

Among the many aspirations we nurture, a common one is to be a good parent (sometimes even a perfect parent). However, in our day to day lives, as parents, we often find ourselves getting triggered by events which in hindsight seem trivial. When we sit back and think about it, our reactions seem impulsive rather than thoughtful, and there begins the guilt trip.

Our guest expert Dr. Vimala Seshadri, who has had diverse experience in the fields of pharmacology, academia, corporate space and now coaching, took us through a very insightful session around creating connections with our children.

Creating an environment for success

Vimala took us through two powerful exercises.

Exercise A: Reflecting on an instance from childhood when a parent/adult reacted to a situation in an ineffective way, how it made us feel and the impact it had on our self-image and behavior.

Exercise B: Reflecting on an instance from childhood when a parent/adult responded to a situation in an effective way, how it made us feel and the positive impact it had on our self-image and behavior.

From the instances we shared, a couple on insights emerged:

Stressful moments may sometimes cause emotional reactions which are scary and upsetting for children. They remain embedded in the child’s memory and have a bearing on the child’s self image, the perception about the parent as well as about the relationship with the parent.

On the other hand, instances when parents are able to manage their own emotions and choose a response from a place of love and empathy, children develop a heathy self-image as well as a positive perspective about the event, the parent and the relationship with the parent.

Nurturing empowering beliefs – NLP Presuppositions

Vimala shared a set powerful tools with us to help us choose our responses as parents and avoid reacting or over-reacting. Empowering beliefs or NLP Presuppositions are favorable assumptions that help us mould our behavior in a positive and empowering way such that we create positive outcomes.

Here are a few examples of NLP Presuppositions/empowering beliefs that can work wonders in our parenting journey:

There is no such thing as failure. Only feedback – This presupposition helps us condition our minds to look at areas of opportunities for ourselves to get better, reflect, take the learning and move forward. Our behavior and outlook pave the way for our children to model their behavior based on ours. It also creates space for us to have more constructive conversations with our children during situations where there are opportunities for them to do better, thereby creating an environment of learning and personal growth.

Every behavior has a positive intention – This presupposition helps us look at situations from our child’s perspective because the empowering assumption here is that the child’s behavior is motivated by a positive intention for themselves. This belief helps us look at the situation from a place of curiosity rather than judgment or anger.

Everyone already has all the resources needed to achieve their desired results – This presupposition helps us look at ourselves as well as our children in an empowering way. It helps us believe in the our children’s power to be resourceful, thereby allowing us to create space for them to tap into their potential, rather than questioning their capabilities. As parents, it also helps us resist the temptation to provide more support than needed.

Clean questions

“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question” –    Eugene Ionesco

The magic of good questions works in the realm of parenting too. As parents, we can use questions to explore the thoughts and feelings of our children to get to the heart of why they are behaving a certain way as well as to help them discover the next best step.  However, questions that qualify as “clean” are:

A. Non-judgmental

B. Non-influencing

C. Non-leading

D. Neutral ( allowing the children to process their own authentic experience of the situation rather than getting influenced by any insinuation wrapped up in the question)

Here is a set of simple clean questions that can be used to support a child as they explore their own thoughts and feelings without getting influenced by an interpretation of their experience.

Developing Questions : Developing questions are simple yet versatile clean questions that can help us encourage our children to elaborate on their experience and what is going on in their inner world. It is important that we be clear about our intent of asking these questions – and that is knowing what is “true for them”.

1) And  – What kind of  “X” is that “X”

2) And where is “X”?

3) And “X” is like what?

Here “X” represents “what” it is that we are exploring – a single word or a short phrase the child has used.

Sequence and Source:  This set of questions helps us explore the source and sequence of events. It brings the awareness of the child to their feelings as the events progressed and the choices they may want to make in the moments yet to come. As parents, this set of questions helps us connect the dots much as we would had we walked into a movie after it had started.

1) And what happens next?

2) And what happened before “X”?

3) And where could “X” come from?

Intervention: These questions help us bring attention to what it is that one would desire as an outcome. It helps us move the focus from the problem to the solution.

1) And what needs to happen for “X”?

2) And what would “X” like to happen?

Clean Questions: An Example

Let’s take an example of a conversation using the above questions in a scenario where the child says, “Mom, I feel angry.”

Developing Questions

1) Mom:  And what kind of “anger” is this “anger”

Child : The kind which makes me feel helpless

2) Mom: And where do you feel this “anger”?

Child: I feel it rising upwards from my chest

3) Mom: And this rising anger is like what?

Child: It feels like a volcano

Sequence and Source 

1) Mom: And what happens next?

Child: I feel like crying

2) Mom: And what happened before you started feeling angry?

Child: I saw my math scores

3) Mom: And where is this anger coming from?

Child: I wanted a better score in math, but I didn’t get that. That makes me angry.

Intervention:

4) Mom: And what needs to happen for you to get better scores?

Child: I need to get better with calculus

5) Mom: And what needs to happen for you to get better with calculus?

Child: I need to practice more.

6) Mom: Is there anything more that needs to happen?

Child: No, that’s it.

Mindful parenting is not about being perfect in each moment. It is about doing our best to be present in each moment, knowing that there is always an opportunity to try again. Some days may be better than  others but on such days, when we catch ourselves making choices that we may later feel were suboptimal, it’s time to take a pause, and make a different choice.

Resources

Two books Dr. Vimala recommends are :

1) Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson

2) How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber

Many thanks to Dr. Vimala for equipping us with these wonderful tools and for taking us through this experiential session on Mindful Parenting.

About the Expert

Vimala Seshadri is a well seasoned leadership facilitator and coach with over 25 years of experience across multiple industries. Her experiences vary from holding an Assistant Professorship in Academia in the US, to taking up management roles in the pharmaceutical industry, to being the Founder and Executive Director of a not for profit home for children in India. As a Facilitator and Coach, Vimala has designed, delivered programs and coached clients from exceedingly varied backgrounds, spreading across roles up to CFOs/CEOs. She has worked across various sectors including Pharma, IT, ITES, Financial, Engineering and Education.

She is Master Certified facilitator, trainer and Coach in Think on Your Feet©, Lumina Learning© – Certified practitioner and facilitator and certified in Constructive Negotiations©, Nuero-linguistic Programming (NLP) Practitioner and Positive Discipline©. She is also accredited with Hogan Assessments, delivers Hogan certification workshops and the MBTI. Vimala is a certified Coach though Erickson Coaching College at the PCC level and is currently being certified as a NLP coach with Neoway Academy. Vimala has over 700 hours of coaching experience in the corporate sector. She is a certified facilitator in Coach Your Self Up©.