The Magical Circle of Vulnerability – Authenticity – Belonging

The joy of supporting someone through the journey to their highest potential is unparalleled. As a coach, I challenge myself to make this journey fun-filled, light-hearted and spirited. I believe that exploring one’s potential should be a buoyant, euphoric and carefree process but most of the time, it isn’t. Why it isn’t what it should be is a question that has taken me to interesting places – like Jennifer Manchikanti’s Mentoring Circle with Shenomics last year, on Belonging. It was like finding the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle, which I’d been looking for all along. 

Jennifer walked in with the kind of quiet confidence that I deeply admire, because it is heartening to see women who refuse to dilute their essence. Jennifer manages Diversity, Inclusion and Belonging at E&Y. Soft-spoken and gentle, she is someone who has embraced her feminine values and stands by them. She believes in the power of authenticity, and I could see that in the way she conducted the session– not once giving up or altering her natural way of speaking or being, she captured everyone’s attention.

Jennifer took us through what belonging truly means. One of our primal psychological needs, belonging is most evident during the vulnerable stages of human life, especially infancy and old age. As infants, we are literally born connected to our mothers via the umbilical cord, which nourishes us during our time in the womb. As we enter the world, ready to embark on this interesting journey called life, while the physiological connection no longer exists, the psychological and emotional connection with the mother and the rest of the family ensures that our needs are met and that we feel safe. We know we belong, and that belonging is unconditional. 

A heavy diaper, runny nose or drool – nothing comes in the way of a baby being cuddled and adored. The baby never says, “Don’t look at me, I look messy.” As babies we are allowed to just be. Likewise, old age once again gets us back in touch with a high degree of vulnerability. We are frail and dependent, looking for our loved ones to support us through the final phase of our life. Most aged people prefer being at home during their last days instead of in a hospital or an elderly-care facility, because they want to feel belonged.

Between the start and end of life, our need to belong doesn’t go away. It is a constant quest as we expand the circle of our exposure to explore our potential.  We are continuously looking for safe spaces where we can make ourselves vulnerable and therefore authentic. A space where we feel the need to change ourselves so that we can fit-in robs us of our uniqueness, our identity. It doesn’t allow us to be who we truly are. Worrying about who we need to be eats into our mental space, which we would have otherwise utilised to work on our craft, our passion, our purpose.

Belonging is the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle that I was trying to solve. It is the answer to why most people are unable to pursue their potential in a way that is fun and inspiring, because they are busy spending their precious energy in trying to fit-in –  into society, community, workplace and, sometimes, even family norms. The moment we allow ourselves to be who we truly are, magic begins to happen.

The Magical Circle of Vulnerability-Authenticity-Belonging

Vulnerability, as Dr Brene Brown defines it, is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Vulnerability is courage; it is about showing up and being seen. To be seen, we need to lift off the shield that covers parts of us that we feel are weak. But weakness is what makes us real! It is what makes people connect with us because it gives them a chance to support us and make us feel belonged! Superheroines and Superheroes who acknowledge their weaknesses are loved and adored because it is their weakness – their vulnerability – that makes them relatable.

Authenticity is the relentless practice of bravely and unapologetically being who we are instead of trying to be who we think we are supposed or expected to be. The courage to be authentic creates space for us to wholeheartedly embrace, relish and share our unique gifts with the world. It helps us discover our passion and purpose, and create a tribe of those who accept and appreciate us for who we truly are. We cannot be authentic until we are willing to make ourselves vulnerable because it is a choice to take the risk to be real, and it is being real that opens the doors for genuine and strong connections.

Belonging, our primal need to be a part of a community, a tribe, a movement towards a larger cause, while retaining our individuality, is quite the tightrope walk. It can sometimes seem like a constant push and pull – to be a part of something larger and belong, we can be tempted to fit-in and the moment we try to fit-in we begin to lose our uniqueness. To me, it seems like what opens us up for that connection which forges true belonging with the outer world begins with what goes on in our inner world. When we create a safe space for ourselves within our inner world by accepting ourselves for who we are and loving ourselves unconditionally, we connect with ourselves deeply. This healthy relationship with oneself needs one to be vulnerable in one’s own presence and be authentic with oneself and, therefore, wholeheartedly belong to our own self. 

It is this unconditional self acceptance, self love and connection with ourselves that gives us the courage to be vulnerable with the world outside – and to respect the vulnerability and authenticity of the person in front of us.

It is amazing how this concept holds good in various scenarios – successful teams that bond as one unit and achieve the seemingly impossible, or thought leaders who believe in themselves and therefore make themselves vulnerable and take the risk of being laughed at, rejected and dismissed before people fall in love with who they truly are, and many more.

It is this magical circle of vulnerability-authenticity-belonging that creates space for us to enjoy the pursuit of our potential with childlike enthusiasm and lightness of being and, in the process, connect with ourselves and others so deeply that we build bonds that last a lifetime. It is this circle that creates a world within us that makes us feel belonged internally, and in turn, connect and belong outwardly.